


(I'm not) Ready Yet

by Carlosaphina



Series: Sasha Sloan Songfics [3]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Forgiveness, Jim is Trying to be Better, Letting Go of Trauma, M/M, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-21
Updated: 2020-05-07
Packaged: 2021-02-28 03:22:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22827100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Carlosaphina/pseuds/Carlosaphina
Summary: So many things have been far from perfect in Jim's life: Tarsus, Winona, Frank, and George Kirk, just to name a few. Jim tried to bury his bad memories, but, as he grows older, he realizes that he can't just forget everything, so he might as well come to terms with it.
Relationships: James T. Kirk & Winona Kirk, James T. Kirk/Spock, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Series: Sasha Sloan Songfics [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1629664
Comments: 4
Kudos: 16





	1. Chapter 1

The last mission had gone badly, to put it lightly. The natives, Corolians, had taken the landing party hostage, and killed a majority of them. The rest of the landing party had suffered from beatings, burnings, dislocation of joints, and many other torturous punishments, all because they had been mistaken for Klingons. Jim blamed himself, as he always did. He had been in the landing party, and was currently in Sickbay. He was the last one left, because he had been tortured the most, as the captain. 

"Jim," Bones spoke up, realizing that Jim had awoken, "I know that you don't like shrinks, but _anyone_ who has been through a fraction of," he tried to articulate with his hand gestures, "that... torture has to see one."

Jim had paled through Bones' monologue. He had been to a shrink after Tarsus, and that didn't end up... well. He liked to think of himself as independent, and visiting a psychiatrist would make him feel worse about himself, so he purposely closed himself off to them. "You realize you could get Chapel to do it, right?" Bones asked, " She is fully qualified, and isn't a stranger. Also, doctor-patient confidentiality still applies, so nobody else will know what you say." Bones knew about Tarsus, and Frank, and about Jim's personal life, so he inherently knew the things that triggered Jim's relapses."

"I have to?" Jim asked, for confirmation.

"Yes, unless you want to have the second shortest captaincy in the history of Starfleet."

"Don't you have the credentials too?" 

"Actually, I don't."

"Bummer"

"I know"

"Ok. I'll do, um, Chapel."

* * *

Jim kept having panic attacks after the attack. He didn't tell Chapel, Spock, nor Bones. He couldn't be a burden on them, even though he knew it was Chapel's job to make him her burden. He didn't need to tell, though. One night, when Bones came to check on Jim physically, he saw him next to his bed, curled up. "Jim?" Bones asked.

Jim was trembling, his face tear streaked. " B-B-Bones. I d-don't think I'm ok-kay."

***

The meetings with Chapel became more frequent, daily in fact. The first time Jim actually had to do 'work' for her was when she told him to write down his childhood experiences, and write about who was in his family, and what they were like. Chapel had realized that Jim hadn't truly been "ok" for a long time.

"When was the last time you had a panic attack, Jim? Before the incident with the Corolians, that is."

" About 2 weeks before(?)." 

"Do you know what triggered the attack?"

"Um.. yeah, actually. My yeoman took the food from under my bed and put it in recycling. I, um, haven't been able to cope with that. Food shortages, you know."

Chapel didn't know about Tarsus, so she suspected that someone in Jim's childhood, most likely his stepfather, had left Jim malnourished. "I would like you to write about your childhood. Who was your family? Was there anyone important to you? What were they like?"

* * *

**I know you know that you messed up  
I see it in your eyes  
I know you wanna start over  
But sorry, can't change time**

* * *

Jim couldn't think of anything to dictate to his PADD. "My father was George Samuel Kirk Sr.--" he started, "Computer, delete that." He couldn't count Sam as family, nor Frank. Sam had left him, Frank had destroyed him. An hour later, this is what he had come up with:

"My mother is Winona Kirk, a well known engineer. She wasn't present through much of my childhood, but when she was there, everything was good. You see, she was the only connection between Sam & I, and Frank. When she left, shit hit the fan. I wanted to be like her for a majority of my pre-teens. My mother is slightly eccentric, very intelligent, and passionate about what she does.

"I had a brother, still do, his name is George, but we all call him Sam. He left before I was 13, to go to Deneva. He had argued _a lot_ with Frank, and we all had gotten tired of the ruckus. My brother is a free spirit, and things would have been bad for him if he stayed, but I wish he was here. I haven't seen him in the past 15 years.

"My stepfather is 'Frank.' He always hit me and Sam. When I was young, he sent me off planet, and I nearly died. I hated him for it, and made small acts of rebellion, like riding the antique car we owned off a cliff when I came home. I blamed him for all may problems, but he blamed me for them, so, eventually, I believed him. I wish I hadn't, and I know I shouldn't have, but I can't change time.

"Every person in my family has hurt me both intentionally, and non intentionally. I know after Tarsus they all pitied me, and they might've hoped that they would make better decisions, but they didn't. Winona went back to space, Sam stopped returning my messages, and Frank still berated me and hurt me. They all wanted to start over, as of a message they sent me last Christmas, but I don't think I'm ready yet.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapel asks about how Jim's relationships with his family are.

Jim had sent what he had written about his family to Chapel an hour ago, and his next appointment with her at 1800 today. He'd done this before, so why was he feeling anxiety? The logical voice in his head, which sounded suspiciously like Spock, told him that he was afraid of opening up to people, and that he was feeling insecure because of that. He walked to Chapel's office, and the door opened, "Come in," she said.

* * *

"So, Jim, I listened to what you had written. I want to know a bit more about it. You said, and I quote, ' **It's hard for me to be mad at Winona and Sam, because I don't want to be.** ' Do you need closure in these relationships, or do you want to reconcile what you had?"

"Well, I know that I _should_ want closure, but I don't. I can't make up with them, though. I still love Mom and Sam." That was the first time that Jim had said 'Mom' in 4.5 years. Even though he hadn't used it frequently _ever_ , he still wanted to be able to call Winona that. " My mother was an amazing person, you know, the type of parent that a reckless child would want, but not the person they need. Sam was my 'father figure' during my childhood, and probably the only good influence. I love Sam too, he helped me," Or at least the though of seeing him did, he wanted to say.

After a moment of silence, Chapel said, "There is a Starfleet event on Andor in a month, as you know. Your mother will be there."

"How do you know?"

"All senior officers are required to come, and your mother was a Chief Engineer, last time I checked."

"Oh. Well, I don't know what I'd say to her, or even what."

"Think of all the things you like and don't like about her, and list them. Send them to me by 0900 hours tomorrow."

"Ok."

"And think about it, you both have changed, maybe you'll be able to 'make up' with her."

"Sure," Jim said, his mind already made up. He wouldn't meet up with her. If she wanted contact, then _she_ should've contacted him through Starfleet. It wasn't that hard. He had seen her at some Starfleet events before, and she'd seen him, but they didn't talk to each other, and she hadn't asked about him. He knew she had changed, and that was _exactly_ why he wouldn't meet her. "Goodbye"

"Remember, your next session is at 1100 hours tomorrow."

"Ok," he said as he walked out


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim goes to the function because he’s not a wimp, dammit.

_I_ Jim was all dressed up in his formal attire. With Spock on his elbow, Jim was ready to face Winona, so he wouldn’t have to see that counselor-psychiatrist-lady again.

* * *

As Jim and Spock entered the ballroom, Jim saw Winona. “Shoot,” he said to Spock, “She’s right there.”

”I assumed she would be, given that we are here due to her presence here today.”

”Spock! I need you to be my moral support, not my sarcastic soulmate.”

”Those two roles go hand in hand. I had to do something similar to this when I was 15 because I had rejected the VSA. All you have to do is remember that no matter what they say, your family usually loves you despite what they say.”

”You weren’t raised by Winona and Frank. They low key despised me... at the best.”

”Perhaps you’re seeing what you wish to see,” after a moment’s pause he continued,”If you think that this is going to ‘explode in your face,’ you won’t feel as guilty about not attempting it.”

”Spock. Not helping.” To add to that, Jim’s inner dialogue was playing the lyrics to a random song ***Cause there's part of me that loves you still**  
Loves you still  
Always will*

Winona started walking over.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Winona and Jim talk!!

Winona was standing in front of Jim. Neither of them spoke.

”Winona...” Jim trailed off, his eyes watery. It has been a long time since he had seen Winona, and he could feel Spock encouraging him. Winona stared at him coldly, or perhaps it was apprehensive, because she didn’t know how her son had turned out. ”Hi,” he restarted. “Hello, I am Jim, your son.” 

After a solid 5 seconds of staring into each other’s eyes, Winona pulled Jim into a hug. “Jimmy. I didn’t think I’d talk to you again,” her voice broke, the sincerity showing, “I don’t know if an apology would mean much, so many years later, but I’m sorry.”

”I’m sorry too. I get that you had a bunch of tough shit to deal with, but I’m sorry that I can’t forgive you. Not yet. Sorry if that’s unforgivable.”

”I’ll always forgive you, no matter how much it hurts me, Jim, because you’re my child, and parents just want the best for their children.”

jim was silent, not knowing what to say. Spock nudged him to ask her if they could meet again, for coffee. “Do you want to meet this... Tuesday for coffee?”

”Of course, honey.”

* * *

_Not all stories have a “happily ever after,” for everyone. Winona died after a year from advanced degradation of her spinal cord, after a transporter incident. Jim never told her that he had forgiven her, and she never told him that she loved him. Jim never forgave her for dying. Before her death, Jim hadn’t spoken to her for over a month, because there missions were in opposite sides of the galaxy. Jim never invited her to his marriage. There was a list he had made of what he wanted to do with her, when he met her, that was made in one of Chapel’s sessions. Only 2 of the 71 items were finished. Also, foul play was suspected in Winona’s death, but no investigation occurred._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m finally done with this!   
> Comments and Kudos are appreciated.


End file.
